Heart - August 30th 2016

   It’s 11: 25 PM and I’m listening to Same Old Love by Selena Gomez. I feel incredibly lonely. Like I’m the only person on the planet. Like the air I breathe is waiting for me to breathe in and breathe out. Who knows what’s really going on out there. Dogs bark. Cats screech. The neighbour yells. Yet, in the distant hills, someone is setting off fireworks. Blue, yellow and red. I can hear them bang about in the sky. Yet, somehow, I feel detached to what’s going on.

   My heart stops for a moment, then starts again. I change the music to Taylor Swift. She’s singing Wildest Dreams. It makes me feel completely and utterly heart broken. I want to cry but I can’t. I adjust my headphones so that they sit on my head in such a way that the song floats directly into my ears. I love my headphones. The black Sony headphones I purchased a couple of years ago was one of the best things I’ve got. It works every single day. Never fails, never disappoints.

   I can’t help thinking about the world. The less fortunate. The pain. The anger. The despair. The dead. The music stops and I click on Begin Again by Taylor Swift. How could I begin again? It’s impossible. Never Going To Happen. I can’t move forward. I can’t move backwards either. The yellow glow from the bedside lamp is the only light in the room. Moths hover by. Occasionally, one of them flies right at me pissing me off.

   Being human feels like a punishment, so I pick another song. Lady Antebellum’s Need You Now floats all around me. I close my eyes and lose myself in the melody. I start to sing along with them, but stop. I can’t. I won’t do it. The last time I heard my voice, it sounded like a shrieking cat. Is there a way to be super human? I hear something rattling against my window pain. Forcing myself to get out of bed, I creep over to the window. I sigh with disappointment. There is no handsome vampire waiting for me at the bottom of my bedroom window. It was only the rain. Damn it. Back in bed, I put my headphones back on. I repeat the same song again for the third time.

   Mimicking the words to the song, I bob my head to the song. Sipping some water from an Evian plastic bottle, I take another deep breath. My glasses feel heavy on my face. Reaching this level of blindness is irritating. I always ask myself the same questions. Why am I experiencing the whole of life through me? Am I the universe? Is it inside me? What’s the point of living a life that dies a few short years later?

   I don’t the answers to any of these questions. So I choose another song. Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis. It makes my heart bleed. Remembering my last great love is painful beyond relieve, so I keep bleeding. Why does love hurt so much? It makes me feel like I’m actually being torn open as I bleed over and over again. Another unexplainable phenomenon. It reminds me, where are all the good men in the world? Are they all in some alternative universe? Or on a remote island off the Pacific Ocean? Another life mystery unsolved.

   It’s time to pick another song. No One by Alicia Keys. It makes me yearn for love. Yearn for a good man. Yearn for potential heart break. What the hell am I saying? Maybe I should go to bed. I can hear my housemate move around making the floorboards creak. I’m getting tired and grumpy.

   I hope this night keeps you entangled in Heart and Music.